I talked to my mom a couple nights ago and she told me some things that happened that I don’t remember. I guess the doctor wanted us to stay another night at the hospital and then the next day he told us about the jaundice and low oxygen. I don’t remember staying another night but we did. The next day is when we were given the option of choosing to have her transferred to a closer hospital for the ECHO or a further hospital with a NICU.

The hospital’s protocol is to have the family watch safety videos before leaving so I remember having to sit through that the next day. Also, my friends from work came to visit and meet Adalene.  I remember my lactation consultant at the hospital coming up to me and just hugging me. It took everything in me not to completely fall apart in her arms.

I hadn’t cried though. I just was holding everything inside and trying to be strong. Honestly, I didn’t know how to feel. My emotions and heart were all over the place. I was so happy to have my baby in my arms. I’d waited nine months to hold her and she was finally here. My heart was overflowing. But at the same time, my heart was breaking. My baby had a heart murmur and needed medical help. She possibly had Down Syndrome. I wanted to scream and cry and laugh and dance all at the same time. I’ve never been so emotionally torn in so many directions.

Later that day the paramedics came to take Adalene. I wanted to go with her, but I couldn’t for some reason- I don’t know why. My mom says that I asked to go with her, but they said no. I just said okay. That doesn’t sound like me, though. I would’ve fought to go with her, but I think by this time I was in shock. I felt like I was floating from one minute to the next, almost detached from my body and what was going on around me. Adalene had to be transferred in what I call a “plastic coffin”. That’s what it looked like to me and I hated that she had to go in it. The technical word for it is an incubator. Adalene was put in the incubator and we stood by to say bye before they took her away in the ambulance. I stood there, wide eyed and stoic, unable to comprehend what was happening. The paramedics were very patient with us as we said our goodbyes for a bit and then they wheeled Adalene away. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run after them and tell them they couldn’t take her. I wanted to hold her close and never let her go. But I just stood there, unable to move, trying to hold myself together. Ryan and I gathered our things from the hospital room and I was discharged. We were given a map to follow of where Adalene had been taken in South Bend which was about 45 minutes from the hospital we were in. But the new hospital she was going to was only about ten minutes from where we lived so that was a blessing.

We left the hospital and walked to our car in a daze. It is the most heart wrenching, sickening, unbearable pain to arrive at a hospital in labor and excited to bring home your baby, and then leave empty handed. My arms should’ve been carrying out our baby girl, but instead they were empty. I couldn’t handle it anymore. As soon as we got in the car I broke down. I cried and cried. Ryan just held me close and let me cry. He was so strong. He told me later that he wanted to cry too but was trying to be strong for me. I cried pretty much the whole way to the hospital where Adalene was in South Bend.