Our baby was due April 28th, however, I had this feeling during my whole pregnancy that she would come early at 38 weeks. I never really had Braxton Hicks, just the normal aches and pains that come with being 9 months pregnant and feeling as big as a whale. I woke up at 4:45am on Sunday, April 19 (38 weeks, 4 days along) to go to the bathroom and knew something was different. I knew my water had broken but it didn’t come gushing out like I had heard. It was a slow trickle that I couldn’t control (sorry-tmi). Nothing really happened after that so I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep. I was too excited to sleep, though, and waited until around 7:30 to wake Ryan and ask him if he wanted to meet our baby girl that day. We were both so excited, but didn’t really know what to do so we went into major cleaning mode! After eating breakfast, we cleaned the whole apartment and made sure everything was ready to bring home our little girl. Still, nothing was really progressing except some light contractions here and there.

I called the birth center and told the midwife on call what was going on and she said that all we could do is wait for my body to go into labor. She also said that because my water had broken (or started to break) at 4:45 that morning, we had 24 hours from then to have the baby out, according to Indiana state law. She suggested going on a walk around the neighborhood to try to kickstart the process. So Ryan and I started walking and we walked and walked pretty much all late morning and into the early afternoon. I’d get a contraction and need to stop for a few seconds to let it pass and then we’d start walking again. It would seem like they were getting closer together and be every 4 or 5 minutes and then they’d spread out again to 10-15 minutes between contractions. I was in high spirits, though, and was determined to get the process going and allow my body to do what God intended it to do.

I called my midwife again around 3:00 and told her there was little progress so we agreed it’d be best to go to the birth center and see what we could do there. I wanted to get adjusted by my Chiropractor (who was also my boss and friend) so we stopped at their house first. I’d been getting adjusted my entire pregnancy and knew first hand how beneficial and relieving it was. Chiropractic was a huge lifesaver for me. As soon as I was adjusted, I had a big contraction and the contractions became more regular after that for awhile. But then they separated out again and I began to get frustrated.

We arrived at the birth center around 5:00pm and my midwife checked me and confirmed that my water was broken, but was slowly draining and I was only at about 2cm dilated. She gave me a few natural options to try to get my labor moving. I chose homeopathy pills because I did not want to drink Castor Oil (ew!) and I’d heard a lot of positive things about homeopathy. I took 5 tiny pills under my tongue every 15 minutes and within about an hour and a half I was definitely progressing in labor. I spent most of the time walking up and down the stairs in the birth center and would stop and breathe through whenever I had a contraction. Ryan and I also got some time together in the living room, just him and I, to dance and talk and just take in the moments before our daughter was born. That’s one of the sweetest memories I have of the whole birth.

I brought a bag full of my hippie potions, essential oils, and candles and started to set some of those things set up when labor really started to get intense. I labored while standing up and holding onto Ryan for awhile. My midwife had a heart monitor that she used to check the baby’s heart beat while I contracted. She said that the baby’s heart rate decreased every time I had a contraction and it was something she needed to watch. I changed into a dress so I’d be more comfortable and was checked again and still only 4cm dilated. That was around 9:00pm.  Our midwife suggested I lay down in the bed and try to rest since my body was now doing what it needed to and I’d been walking and climbing stairs all day. Looking back, maybe I should’ve saved my energy for labor!

I labored in the bed for awhile as the contractions progressed and began to become painful. My midwife continued to monitor the baby’s heartbeat. With every contraction the heartbeat decreased and eventually my midwife looked at Ryan and I and told us the last thing we wanted to hear. We needed to transfer to the hospital. My heart sank. I was so disappointed and, honestly, scared. Hospitals in general give me the creeps and it’s the last place I wanted to be bringing a baby into the world. But I trusted our midwife and knew that she had waited as long as she could before making the decision to transfer. She called the hospital and asked for an ambulance to come because I was too far along to be transferred comfortably and safely by car. When the paramedics arrived I was definitely feeling the pain and intensity of labor. My contractions were now only 2-3 minutes apart and painful. They laid me on the gurney and rolled me into the ambulance. Ryan and the midwife had to take their own cars to the hospital so I was transferred by myself with a couple of EMT guys.  I don’t really remember the ride to the hospital. By this time it was almost midnight and I was in full on labor. I couldn’t talk because the pain was so intense. The hospital was only about 6 or 7 minutes away from the birth center, but the ride felt like an hour. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. All my dreams of a water birth in a private, homey environment were left behind me as we drove to the hospital, the last place I wanted to be. To this day, seeing an ambulance gives me flashbacks and anxiety. I don’t remember arriving at the hospital really, but I do remember the lights on the ceiling of the hospital as they pushed me through the hallway to my room. Ryan arrived shortly after and I remember someone saying that he got there quickly. I was glad he was there and with me again. This was around midnight.

The nurses hooked me up to machines as I continued to labor through contractions. They placed a wire on my belly to monitor the baby’s heartbeat which continued to drop with every contraction. I was in full blown labor by now and in my own world. Ryan says I began to make these low moaning sounds. I couldn’t talk, but my body’s response to the pain was this low groan. That’s the best way I can explain it. During this time of active labor, I had to get up and go to the bathroom. My midwife and Ryan walked me to the bathroom and helped me. On the way back from the bathroom I was in so much pain I looked at my midwife, Rachel, and said, “I can’t do this.”  With assurance and without skipping a beat, she looked me right in the eye and said, “Yes, you can.” She said it with such confidence that I believed her and willed myself to keep going. I made my body submit the will of my mind and kept pushing through the excruciating pain. There’s really no way to describe the pain of labor. The closest thing I can think of is that it feels like your body is slowly getting pulled apart at the hips.

I got back in bed where they had to monitor the baby’s heartbeat and I labored for the next couple of hours. I tried getting on my hands and knees for awhile which seemed to help a bit. At one point I think I passed out briefly because I remember a nurse telling me to wake up. Ryan stayed with me holding my hand the entire time. I began to feel the urge to push after awhile. So I did. I pushed, but with every contraction, the baby’s heart rate dropped. After pushing for probably 30 minutes, my midwife told us that she was going to be using a vacuum to get the baby out. The baby’s heart rate was getting dangerously low. Then my midwife looked at me with a serious and stern look and said that we needed the baby out right now. She told me to push with everything I had. About 10-12 nurses rushed into the room along with another doctor. They attached the vacuum and I pushed with every ounce of strength and energy I had left. I popped the blood vessels in my face and eyes from pushing. Then she was out!

Adalene Joy (pronounced “Adaleeen”) was born on April 20th at 2:24am weighing 6lbs. 12oz.  They put her on my bare chest as she cried and squinted from the lights. I remember telling her that it was okay. I couldn’t really see her face because she was so close to my chin but I knew she was perfect. I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I do remember having to birth the placenta and being mad because I thought the pain was over! I also had a second degree episiotomy that my midwife had to sow up. I was just so happy to have our little girl with us. And I was in awe of my body and what it had just gone through. I never knew how strong I was, honestly. I felt so empowered (still do!) to think that I could endure the pain and trauma of childbirth.  It’s amazing how God made our bodies!

I found out later that the influx of nurses into my room wasn’t necessarily because we were in trouble and I needed them. It was because the vacuum method was being used on me and it’s a method that hadn’t been seen in that hospital for over a year. The nurses wanted to see how it was done! So my dream of giving birth privately with literally just my husband and midwife turned into almost 20 people present for mostly educational purposes. Ugh.

Confession: I’m kind of a closet hippie. Or maybe not so much of a “closet” hippie. I appreciate natural things. The way God originally made things to be. I like making my own beauty products and soaps and candles.  I am in love with essential oils. So when I became pregnant I jumped at the opportunity to have an all natural, drug free, water birth at a local brith center. I hated hospitals (still do) and couldn’t imagine giving birth in a place full of sick people. It’s just in recent years that women started giving birth in hospitals. For centuries before that, birthing was done in the comfort of the home. I liked that idea and would’ve wanted to give birth at home but our insurance did’t allow that. So we settled for the next best thing which was a local birth center. The birth center was about 45 minutes away and it was exactly what I wanted. It was a house that was converted into a birthing home, complete with a fireplace and living room, kitchen, and bedrooms with big, jacuzzi tubs. They even had a bread machine so that every time someone came in to have their baby there would be fresh, homemade bread to eat after the exhausting labor and birth! How cool is that!? I wanted a private birthing experience with as few people and modern interventions as possible. The birth center was exactly what I wanted and where I imagined giving birth to our daughter.

I had all of my appointments at an affiliated building right next to the birth house. There were five midwives who worked at the birth center. I got to meet all of them at different appointments throughout my pregnancy and they were all amazing.  They rotated being on call so I wasn’t sure which midwife would be with me at the birth, but I liked them all and knew that it would work out so the right one would be there. Things looked great at every appointment. Baby girl was growing and healthy. I loved hearing her heart beat on the monitor and feeling her roll around. The only thing that ever came up was that baby and I were a bit small, but it was wasn’t enough to really be concerned because we were both growing.

Since I wanted to have an all natural, drug-free birth, I knew I need to prepare my mind and my body. I knew it was going to be hard and painful, but it was something that meant a lot to me so I wanted to be as prepared as possible. I exercised on a regular basis for most of my pregnancy because I wanted my body to be strong and healthy. Then I read. A lot. I read birth story after birth story of women who had natural births or water births. Reading their stories built confidence in me that I could do it, too. I read several books about natural pregnancy and natural births. I wrote out cards with verses and mantras so I could read them before and during labor. I envisioned myself giving birth naturally. I made up my mind that I could and would do it. There was no going back for me. I know that the mind is the most powerful tool we have been given and if the mind is in the right place, then everything else will come into alignment with it.

Toward the end of pregnancy I had to have appointments every week. Everything was still looking great and the anticipation of meeting our daughter was growing with every day and we just couldn’t wait!

I loved being pregnant. After the first trimester’s sickness wore off, I really enjoyed being pregnant and feeling the little life inside me. What a miracle. What an honor! I would regularly sing while pregnant and feel the kicks in response to music and songs and I remember thinking “Wow, what a privilege.”    The little life inside me brought joy whenever I thought of her. Yes, we found out our baby was a girl two weeks before Christmas. The sonogram technician checked everything and then asked if we wanted to know the gender. We said we wanted to know and then she said that it looked most definitely like a girl. Tears filled my eyes. God was giving us a little girl to love?? Joy filled my heart once again and I knew everything was going to be okay.

In February, Ryan and I traveled to Virginia to visit family and have two amazing baby showers- one from Ryan’s family and one from Ryan’s church family. These were huge blessings to us since we were in a new place in Indiana and didn’t expect a baby shower there. However, a couple we met from Costco did throw us a small baby shower and we were so humbled and thankful for the support. I was overwhelmed by the love and support of the families in Indiana that we had just known a few short months.  We also flew to California in March when I was about 32 weeks pregnant to see family.  Being able to be with family on the beach was a dream come true and I’m so grateful for that time. We also celebrated my 28th birthday while there.

During my whole pregnancy I was small. Even at 6 months people could hardly tell I was even pregnant. I didn’t think much of it because I’m not a big person to begin with…..

….. This is the beginning part of my story that I have a hard time writing down and reliving. But I really feel like God is compelling me to share this story. I still don’t know why exactly but I want to be brave and obedient……

Like I said, I loved being pregnant and really had an easy pregnancy. There were no complications, no bed rest, no extreme discomfort. I was very blessed to have had such a wonderful experience carrying my first child. I had two ultrasounds my entire pregnancy. One when I was 10 weeks along to determine how far along I was and one at 22 weeks to determine the baby’s gender. At both ultrasounds, everything looked great. I refused all testing. Ryan and I felt like it was irrelevant to test for any birth defects or complications of the baby since no matter what, we would keep her. She was ours and we would love and keep her regardless of any complications she could or couldn’t have. And there were no signs that we should test for anything anyway, so we enjoyed the nine months I was pregnant, knowing and expecting everything was fine. To this day, I don’t regret at all, our decision to refuse testing. It all happened the way it was suppose to and I’m confident of that.

Looking back, our time in Indiana seems a blur, but at the same time it seems like we were there forever. Ryan hit the ground running with opening the new Costco store in Mishawaka. He worked 70-80 hours a week, working tirelessly to do a good job and make a good impression on everyone he worked with. He never complained. I was so proud of him and all the hard work he was putting in. With his busy schedule, we hardly saw each other. It was very difficult for me especially since we were in a new home, in a new town, in a new state, with no friends or family and I was in the early stages of pregnancy. I felt so alone and confused. Why would God allow us to get pregnant now?? This was the worst timing possible!

I called my mom in tears and told her that I needed her to come to Indiana and be with me.  I was not doing well. All the changes were getting to me and I just needed my mom. She bought a ticket and was there a couple weeks later. Thank God for moms!! She flew into Chicago and since neither one of us had ever been there before, my dad surprised us by getting us an over night stay in a hotel close to downtown so we could play “tourist” and explore the city for a couple days. We had a blast! We ate Giordano’s pizza, went shopping for all things baby, and just walked up and down Michigan Avenue. It was exactly what I needed to keep going and I am so thankful she came.

I wanted to work and find a part time job so I could meet people and have something to fill my time, especially with Ryan gone all the time. I couldn’t have dreamed of a better job than the one that opened up right as I arrived in Mishawaka at a family owned Chiropractic center. The family who hired me took me under their wing and gave me a place to call home. They loved and supported me and Ryan in a time when we needed it the most. They were a complete God-send and I’ll forever be grateful for their friendship and the time we spent together. I get teary eyed even now when I think about how they even had a mini Baby shower in the office the day after we found out the gender of our baby. I came into work that morning to a pink banner, pink balloons, pink treats, pink everything, and, let me tell you, I cried. I didn’t cry like a cute little tear here and there. Oh, no. I ugly cried like nobody’s business. I was a giant, pregnant mess. But you know what? It’s one of the fondest memories I have of my entire pregnancy. So, I write all of this to say that God has a way of placing people in your life in the most unexpected way exactly when you need it. He knew that I could only handle so much, so he gave me them to bring encouragement and joy and advice when I needed it the most. God knows our limits. He promises never to give us more than we can handle and He fulfilled that promise in them.

A few weeks later, we found ourselves on the road driving toward Indiana. Ryan drove the giant Penske truck full of furniture and things we didn’t sell before we left, and I drove the Toyota Camry loaded up with boxes and, of course, our pet cat, Harvey. I had balled my eyes out as we drove away from our first home and the community that we grew to consider family. We had made some amazing memories and friendships in Minnesota and it was hard to say goodbye. The surge of pregnancy hormones probably didn’t help either. I didn’t know how far along I was, but what I did know was that I felt like crap. Whoever called it “morning sickness” was obviously misinformed because I was sick morning, noon, and night. The only foods I could eat were orange “cuties” and string cheese. Also, I was exhausted. It felt like someone had shot me with a tranquilizer gun and no matter how much sleep I got, I was still tired.

We arrived safely in Indiana and pulled up to our apartment complex that we had never seen before in a town and state we had never been to. But, it wasn’t as shocking as it sounds- we were use to it. Our apartment was a cozy one bedroom, one bathroom on the bottom floor of a two story complex. I’ll admit, after owning your own home with three bedrooms and two bathrooms and almost two acres of land, it’s difficult to downsize into a living space a quarter that size. But we stayed positive and thankful for our new home.

After the initial shock of the news that I was pregnant sank in, I knew that I wanted to tell Ryan. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. Hopefully better than I did and avoid running around the living room screaming and then crying uncontrollably on the couch. I went back to the store where I’d been shopping earlier that day and went straight to the baby section. It was really weird being in the baby section and seeing all the tiny clothes, knowing that in 9 months I’d have a tiny human to dress with those clothes. I found the cutest little onesie that said “I love my dad” on the front and bought it. A few hours later, Ryan came home from work and we were in the living room talking about our day. I said that I had gone to the store and bought some things that I wanted him to see. I pulled out a couple tops and a pair of pants and then I showed him the onesie. Because we had a ton of friends getting pregnant and having kids, he said, “Who’s that for? Who’s pregnant now?” I just looked at him with a grin on my face. Then he said, “You?!” I nodded and then the biggest smile appeared on his face like he’d just won all the Fantasy Football games in the world. We hugged and talked about how crazy it all was.

We told our families shortly after and everyone was so excited. My mom screamed her head off. It was awesome. I was beginning to feel more excited about the pregnancy. I was still scared and couldn’t believe the irony of how bad the timing was, but I knew that God obviously must have a reason. He had to! Why else would I be miraculously pregnant? He had to be up to something. So in the times when I felt scared or unsure of the future, I would remind my soul of Who was in control. I knew from past experience that God has a way of turning situations to be for our good and His glory. So I held onto that as we continued to pack and make our plans to leave our home in Minnesota and head to Indiana in just a few short weeks.

I don’t know exactly where to start so I think the beginning would be a good place. My husband, Ryan, and I did not plan on getting pregnant when we did. To say that my getting pregnant was a miracle is an understatement. We were living in Minnesota at the time and, man, was life good! We had bought a house a year earlier in the friendliest neighborhood you could think of, right on the lake. We would regularly go kayaking on our days off and spent most of our evenings drinking wine on our deck while watching the sunset over the glassy lake. We had an amazing community of church friends who quickly became like family to us. We were blessed and we knew it. We always knew that MN wouldn’t be our forever home, though. The winters were too long and cold and we were far away from family. So when the opportunity came for Ryan to get a needed promotion to make our way towards family, he took it. We celebrated when he got the call that he had been promoted with a relocation to South Bend, IN. We had never been to Indiana or anywhere around there really, but we looked forward to the move with excitement and anticipation like we had for every other move (this would be our third move in 3 years). We knew we’d be okay. We knew we’d make friends and start over again just like we had when we moved to Minnesota. We began to prepare for the move by putting our house on the market and praying for a quick sale. We had approximately 5 weeks to sell our house, pack up our things and move to IN.  And then I started feeling weird….

 

We had just returned from a weekend vacation in Minneapolis to celebrate Ryan’s promotion and our upcoming move. We hit several breweries over the course of the weekend and I just wasn’t interested in drinking the brewery beer or anything for that matter (very unlike me). When we got home I thought that maybe I should take a pregnancy test to be sure but I “knew” I wasn’t pregnant. That was highly improbable. The next day, I stopped by the store and picked up a pregnancy test after I went shopping. I didn’t think much of it and wasn’t really nervous to take the test because I just knew that I wasn’t pregnant. So I took the test and sat the stick down on the bathroom counter and walked away for a few seconds. When I came back (less than 30 seconds later), the stick said “Pregnant”. I stood staring at it, unable to move or comprehend what it said. That’s when I started yelling… at the stick….”Where’s the NOT?!? Where’s the NOT?!?!” I thought that the “NOT” part must come after the “Pregnant” part showed up so I waited awhile yelling for the “Not” to appear and reveal that I was indeed, not pregnant.  The “NOT” never appeared. Only the “Pregnant” part remained.

That’s when I freaked out. Every sort of emotion possible flooded through me- shock, excitement, fear, joy, sadness…etc. I didn’t know what to do with myself so I just started running around my living room screaming. Seriously. I did. Then I sat down on the couch and cried. Happy tears. Sad tears. It was the worst possible time to get pregnant! We would be moving to a new place, into a one bedroom apartment, where we had zero friends or family. This was not how or where or when I would’ve planned to have my first baby. How could God allow this to happen now??